getting strip searched.

Posted October 28th, 2009 by misterlib

psalm 139:23-24

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

i have been reading and reading and rereading and processing this psalm for 3 mornings now.  i noticed during the first morning that it starts off in verse one with “o LORD, YOU have searched me and YOU know me.”  and then the psalm ends with david telling GOD to search him and know his heart.  but HE already did.  22 verses ago.  but 22 verses is a long time.  22 breaths is a long time.  sometimes i go 22 days without YOU searching me.

it’s really hard to wrap my head around telling YOU to know my heart.  me tell YOU to know me?  YOU know everything.  YOU made me.  YOU number my days.  YOU keep me breathing.  YOU sustain me.  YOU provide for me in ways that i’ve never known or noticed.

me tell YOU to know me?  to know my heart?

i don’t want to get strip searched.  metaphorically or literally.  i really don’t.  regarding the literal, it’s just embarrassing.  regarding the metaphorical, it’s scary.  it’s like there is stuff that i know is still in there.  hated.  pride.  lust.  discontent.  malcontent.  bitterness.  stuff i haven’t dusted off for years, if not decades.  giving YOU permission to search me and know my heart is like willingly telling you to strip search me because i’ve been hiding crap that i can’t remember where i got it or when i hid it.  YOU already know it all, but i don’t.  i’m holding onto things that hold me back from following YOU.

but in order to get to the end of that verse, the goal in all of this, the end that i am giving my life for is that YOU would lead me in the way everlasting.  i want to be a follower.  but the ability to be a follower requires getting strip searched.